Today is Earth Day, some will tell you. (It's also my mom's birthday, you guys.) But if you were going to wish someone a happy birthday—which isn't exactly what Earth Day is, but it's as close as we'll ever get—would you want to send your regards if you knew that person was a conniving, shameless, pathological liar? No, no you would not. So, before you go around wishing "Happy Day!" to this planet we live on, here are some ways the Earth is trying to fool you.
01. Earth is smoother than a billiard ball. Remember that time you thought Earth had "peaks" and "valleys" and "altitude and "sea level?" Well, the imperfection that is the 29,029 feet from sea level to Mt. Everest's peak is smaller, in comparison to the Earth's total size, than any imperfection on a billiard ball.
02. A full-day rotation is not 24 hours. This lying planet only takes 23 hour, 56 minutes, and 4 seconds to complete a full rotation. The sun itself also moves a tiny bit, though, which brings each "day" to 24 hours.
03. It takes more than 365 days to orbit the sun. To be precise: 365.2564 days. We make up for it by adding an extra day to February every fourth year. And you thought playing a kazoo at midnight was already pretty dumb.
04. Earth is barely even Earth. Seventy percent of the planet's surface is water, which means calling Earth "Earth" is the same thing as calling a hot dog "mustard."
05. "The" Moon. More like: some moons (sometimes). We need a more specific name for "the moon," then. I nominate "Gary."
06. It is hiding volcanoes. Around 75 percent of the world's annual magma output comes from ... underwater volcanoes.
07. Also, volcanoes are everywhere. Most of the Earth's surface is water, sure, but 80 percent of its surface is of volcanic origin. The Earth perpetuates its lies even while you read this.
09. The North Star is a fraud. It is not the brightest star in the sky, not even close. Sorry for ruining your childhood.
10. Earth Day does not exist. According to the United Nations, it is officially known as International Mother Earth Day as of 2009.
Happy International Mother Earth Day, mother.