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Real Men Don't

A list of things not to do if you want to be a Real Man.


One of the banes of male existence is the continued struggle for authenticity. Like, it appears that I'm a real man, but human existence is possibly an illusion, right, so how can I be so sure? How can you be so sure? Real man? Man, I just don't know. Luckily, there are things like this article, which contains the following two sentences: "Men have become lazy pussies. I don’t even want to use the word pussy because it brings to mind women, who nowadays have much more character than men." And this (actually hilarious and awesome) video made for Brazilian soccer star Neymar, titled "Real Men Don't Cry." Maybe we don't know exactly what a real man is, but at least there are a lot of people out there who are very good at knowing what a real man isn't.

So, that's a start, but what else don't real men do?

• Real men don't do pilates.

• Real men don't eat quiche.

• Real men (again) don't cry.

• Real men don't measure up to the standard set by male heroes in fiction, according to women.

• Real men don't hold purses.

• Real men don't rape.

• Real men don't order fuzzy navels, appletinis, and cosmopolitans.

• Real men don't take selfies.

• Real men don't p*ssy-foot.

• Real men don't practice in the rain if there is lightning.

• Real men don't play zone defense.

• Real men don't shoot ducks.

• Real men don't drink from a straw.

• Real men don't use smartphones.

All of these things real men don't do are from May 2013.