A new candidate for the best abstract ever has just come to my attention. It sits at the top of a 2013 paper titled "The Solar Cell Efficiency of Superman," which was published in the University of Leicester's student-run Journal of Physics Special Topics. This particular work suggests that "special" may be a euphemism for a journal policy that tasks authors with smoking massive amounts of hashish before embarking on their research quests (in 2011, the journal also published something called "Trajectory of a Falling Batman"):
The paper investigates how efficiently Superman must absorb energy from the Sun’s emission spectrum to be able to perform flight for 8 hours at a constant altitude. A solar cell efficiency of 656000% is calculated, which seemingly disobeys the law of conservation of energy assuming the model of Superman as a solar cell is reasonable.
Incisive analysis, but it could still be, say, his superhuman powers that allow him to overcome this paltry energy conundrum. —Ryan Jacobs